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Thursday, September 21, 2017 posted at Thursday, September 21, 2017

This post is my feelings and thoughts, about life and human. Decided to post it here, because I just want to let it out to no one.
If there is someone who read this, hi! This is a long post and you probably wont understand without knowing me in real life, but it really is up to you to read this or not.
If we know each other in real life, I would still doubt if we are close enough, but you reading this wont hurt me anyway.



((Written 13 September 2017))
Saya udah hidup 17 tahun, ntar lagi 18 tahun.
Semakin lama aku hidup, makin lama aku menganggap hidup ini lucu.

Mulai dari yang waktu SD semua cewek suka cowok yang sama, iri sama jealous sama semuanya. Saya kind of "ngerelain" crush saya demi sahabat saya. Kadang nyesel, dan ngrasa bersalah sm ex-crush saya itu krn dia kek sakit ati gitu, gapernah mau ngomong sm saya lagi. Tapi mau diulang berapa kali pun, saya rasa saya bakal nglakuin hal yang sama. Toh saya tau saya ada trauma, and at that time a relationship with boys is still kind of impossible for me.

Dan di SMP, saya ngerasa semua orang itu naif, dan saya paling sengsara, paling nggak beruntung. Sampai saya liat temen sekelas saya sendiri itu cutting.
Kesimpulannya? Saya yang naif, dan goblok as ever. Anak kurang pergaulan. Benar kata ibu saya, saya kurang perhatian sama lingkungan.
Ya jadi saya paham lah kenapa ibu saya terang"an ngomong saya ga cocok jadi psikolog. Krn pd dasarnya saya emang pendiem, dan ga peduli lingkungan, yakan :)

Di SMA, lagi lagi nemu. Ketemu orang yang angalamin kasus miripp banget kayak saya.
aStress gara gara nilai, rangking. Jadi cenderung pendiem ga akrab sm siapa siapa. Dan sering nangis tiap malem (dulu waktu smp dan awal sma at least sebulan sekali saya ada ritual nangis besar)
Teman saya ini, waktu dia cerita, dia udah baikan, karena udah ketemu psikolog, whereas mamaku ga percaya waktu aku bilang aku depresi, dibilangnya itu hal wajar bagi remaja :)
Yeah. Mama lebih percaya sama saran temen psikolognya mama yg mama kontak lwt sms, drpd aku yang nangis" di depannya secara langsung. Sure thing.
Honestly, I cant help but wonder if it's embarassing for her to have a mentally abnormal daughter. Because I was already crying, begged her to take me to someone. Because I cant tell my problems to her when it heavily involves her too, right?

Lucu dunia ini.
Ada yang nyoba bunuh diri, nyakitin diri sendiri. Dan ada yang untuk tetep hidup aja struggle.
Ada yang egois, tapi ada yang goblok ga peduli sama dirinya sendiri malah selalu mentingin orang lain.
Ada yang cuap cuap kisah sedihnya atau ngode di medsos, ada yang ga cerita blas tentang kesedihannya dan kesibukan sehari-harinya adalah pelariannya.
Ada yang dibully dan ada yang ngebully.
Ada yang sebel sama orang lain padahal dia ga jauh beda.
Ada yang pas dia ngehadepin masalahnya religinya makin kuat, tapi ya ada juga yang malah nyeleweng dari agama/kepercayaannya masing-masing.
Ada yang gasuka digosipin tapi ya ngegosip orang lain.
Ada yang rohis, tapi kelakuannya sehari-hari ga jauh beda dari yang enggak rohis. And I could see some others would probably fit me in this category. In the first place, no one expected me to be the religious type because I didn't really give off that vibe right.


Penuh dengan kontradiksi.
Mungkin saya terdengar "marah". Which is somewhat true, but like I said earlier, I find it funny.

Mungkin dulu saya ga peka sama lingkungan sekitar. But now? Idk. At least I'm trying to feel my surrounding.
What I 'feel', all of those examples written above. Are honestly just a prediction of mine, who knows if all of those people are so damn coincidentally placed in the same class.

I've said this to a close friend of mine, that my current class is a bunch of depressed or ex-depressed people. And I would still say the same thing.

This world is not messed up, distorted to the core. But humans are. And the fact that I am a "human" too sometimes disgust me.

Kenapa sih aku terlahir jadi manusia? Logikanya kan, mendingan lahir jadi binatang/tumbuhan gak sih, biar gak nglakuin  apa yang disebut "dosa", kalau memang dosa dan Tuhan itu ada.

But I believe most or at least some of us are messed up because of life anyway, so again, who to blame? It's not like we got the ability to fix everyone's characters. We can try to remind them, but in the end people will only change if they're meant to change.

Semua masalah di dunia ini, beda pendapat sm temen, digosipin, di sarcasm, dituduh, di salah prasangka-in, ga didukung ortu sendiri, ngejar nilai smentara tau temen sendiri nyontekan, pressure because of an above average track records in my family, dll.
Jujur, beberapa masalah itu emang pernah bikin aku nangis.
But you see, at the end of the day, those shits are nothing compared to what I already went through. Dan itu adalah masalah keluarga dimana aku gabisa cerita ke siapapun karena ini aib keluarga, dan karena itulah juga aku pernah ngerasa hopeless, gada yang bisa dipercaya, jadi hidup tu berasa individual bgt. Sering pengen marah, mau nyalahin tapi gada yang bisa disalahin, so ended up blaming this world and God.

Questioning life and fate, one question leads to anothers. And there's that question you won't ever find the answer no matter how much time you spent on it. A neverending cycles that will only tires your mentality.

At that period of time, there was really nothing that I could hang on to. Talking to a friend is not an option, because it is a family dirt. The one who is in the same position as me is my sister who was at the busiest of her school-life, at that time. So we rarely talk. And talking about it hurts us anyway.
So I took advantage of my friends at elementary school. I used them as a solace. At least they dont know anything so I have a reason to laugh, although I really was suffering and far from being "happy".
Because I had nothing, it was just like a survival instinct where I've got to find something to believe. Gak peduli agamaku apaan, kemungkinan besar aku tetep bakal jadi yang 'religius' di agamaku.
Dan entah konsep "agama dan Tuhan" itu ada ato gak, rasanya aku bakal tetep membuat konsep itu out of my own mind. Mempercayai sesuatu yang abstrak tapi logis adanya.
Or else I would be hanging my life on something else. Which I'm glad I didn't do, and I hope I will never come to that decision.

That's why, at times, even though I could cry and get all frustated, I can always laugh it off and let it be.
It's all trivial matters to me, piece of cake.
Kalau berakhir buruk, akan menjadi pelajaran bagi kita. As simple as that.

Honestly, I really like to talk about deep things with my friends. I like to console them when they're down, that is probably the only time I feel truly helpful to them. And that's why I considered to study psychology.
Tapi kalau aku "ngobrol" sama temen, seringkali aku jadi mentally drained too. Karena aku ikut ngrasa beban pikiran mereka.
But still, I love to do it.

Mungkin aku gak selalu melewati hari membahagiakan sm kalian, tapi aku lebih seneng aja kalau bisa 'ada' waktu kalian down.

Tapi yang bikin frustasi adalah ketika aku tau ada yang lagi "down", tapi ga akrab sama aku. Jadi kan rada canggung gitu ya kalo nanya, bingung mau gimana, karena masalahnya kan masalah pribadi mereka juga. Jadilah biasanya aku berlagak normal, ketawa seperti biasanya walau rasanya ga enak untuk terlihat "bahagia" padahal sadar yg lain lagi sedih. Berasa salah, sesalah selfie waktu di layatan.

It's been 6 years since I hated my own birthday. I swear bad things happened near it.
My family was in deep shit. My grandma died nearing my birthday. And now.

What I want for my birthday? It is seriously a piece of peace.

My mind is always on a mess when it's nearing my birthday. Bad memories would always take me back on that life-changing day.

-----

Can I cry?
Been so long since I last cried.
I need a lost of control.

-----
Kadang aku bingung sama diriku sendiri.

What am I laughing and smiling for?
For whom am I smiling?
I simply dont want to make others, esp my parents worried.


I feel content with these mundane everyday happiness. If I can simply make others smile, I feel enough.

-----
My second ig is twistedtothecore for a reason. Simply because I feel that I have a twisted mind inside.

Some love me, some hate me. Some miss me, some diss me.

Whichever side you are on, it's okay. I've done all of it to myself anyway.

No one could understand myself, when I can barely do.

-----
Ada yang pake headset, tapi ga nyala lagunya, jadi cuman pake soalnya lagi males ngomong aja.
Sok sok tidur, tapi aslinya mah mikir tentang hidup, sok merem biar gak diganggu aja.
Kalo tebakanku salah dan dia emang beneran tidur sambil dengerin lagu, ya berarti lagu dan tidur itu sekedar jadi pelarian buat dia. Males ngomong.

Ada cowok yang sebenernya jaga jarak sama cewek, tapi gaenak kalo ngomong ke yang cewek. Jadilah ketidaknyamanan sepihak.


Kirain gabakal ada yang sadar apa?


-----

Can't you see me getting uncomfortable there? It was a similar situation back then too. I was uncomfortable to be surrounded by people who talked about my own good friend, I tried to look for help. But in the end, I was misunderstood.

Kemaren aku salah sih ya ngarepin orang lain to pull me out of that kind of situation, harusnya aku usaha sendiri ya.
Tapi yang kelas 11 dulu, emang mustahil aku kabur. Aku dah bilang kan. Ntar malah pada mbuka hpku lebih jauh, masalah jd tambah ruwet. Kalo aku kabur waktu itu tu kayak aku ga tanggung jawab atas kesalahanku, kind of like leaving fire burning without throwing water on it.

I would rather kill myself than to ever betray anyone. Since I once lost faith in everything, faith is an important aspect to me.

Komentar yang aku ucapin kemaren itu cuma 1. Aku sebel kalo dia cuman salah dikit, tapi minta maafnya kek nyesel banget.
Menurutku di situasi kayak gitu, dimana kita nglakuin ksalahan kecil dan dibantu orang lain, mending bilang makasih daripada maaf.
It's like, why would you feel sorry, when that kind of small mistakes are common and we're actually happy to help. You saying sorry makes it feels like helping you is such a burden, when it is actually not.
Bilang maaf ya gpp sih, tapi ya santai aja, jangan cenderung nyalahin diri sendiri tu lho. Utamakan untuk ngrasa berterimakasih sm yg mbantuin.

Honesly? Tiap dia minta maafnya kelewatan gitu aku pengen nasihatin dia, tapi ga sempet karena always ada orang lain di sekitar.

Aku bisa dan cukup tega untuk ngatain itu ke dia. As I've always done to my other friends.
Salah sih aku, malah ngomong ke yang lain dulu. Jadi kek ngompori. Padahal maksudku pengen taksetir obrolannya pelan pelan ke arah yg bukan nggosip, tp diskusi (?) dgn nada yg nyante gitu, ga kebakaran jenggot.
Susah njelasinnya. Ga paham dan ga percaya ya gpp.
Emang next time mending langsung pergi ajaya, lebih gampang. Di agama juga disaraninnya gitu. Tapi kayak there's still some side of me wanting to fix the situation, dengan ngalihin topik. Why? Ya usaha aja.

Ini semua bukan untuk aku berkilah. Emang aku salah, aku tau kok.
Yang dulu kelas 11 juga gara gara aku kan. Udah nangis waktu itu, pertama kalinya di accuse ngekhianatin temen sendiri, yg jadi "saksi" juga engga ngasih contoh gue ngomongnya gimana. Ya gmn sih cara gue mau mbantah kalo situ aja ngevonisI saya salah tanpa ngasi tau saya salahnya gimana?
Frustasi waktu itu, tp mau nyalahin siapa? Si saksi? That person is still my friend jd ya kuanggep aja dia salah paham, atau mungkin emang fakta kalo aku 'salah' tapi akunya yg ga nyadar. Tp once again, gmn gue bisa sadar woy kalo ga dijlentrehke?

Duh, jd malah ngomongin yg dulu kan. Udah deh ya. Aku dah keluarin semua unek-unekku, kalo sebenernya aku ngrasa unfair dibilangin kayak gitu tanpa penjelasan.


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Septania Nurdika Putri 15 y.o. Yogyakarta, Indonesia.
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